Then there was the time when another student mentioned that she had received what I heard as "flying brother on a boat and a book". I was all excited at the thought of an epic new Jet Li movie when she explained that she had gotten an email. I had misheard although the literal explanation of the Chinese word for email is rather romantic too. It's truncated from when carrier pigeons were the mode of communications, literally translated as "carrier pigeons delivering message". Brilliant! Although I still think my initial interpretation is more action-packed.
Anyway, this leads to another recent language blunder. During one of my long trawl on the Internet for more "cures" for lupus or MSG poisoning, I came across some articles mentioning TCM concoctions which may (I say may as it's all still inconclusive) alleviate the symptoms of lupus. The problems are many, as you can imagine. Firstly, TCM is still viewed with askance by the medical profession. Although acceptance has risen in the last decade, there is still much hesitancy and doubts as to its efficacy.
I cannot blame them for their concerns. Even I am concerned and I grew up in an environment that strongly believes in TCM. My grandfather was a Chinese physician but by the time I came along, he was long retired and the only hint of his previous occupation was in his ceaseless attempts to cure me.
I grew up weak and plagued with illness. Not much difference from now, you may say but I did outgrow it in my teens and became quite physically strong and fit for a long time before lupus came along to beat me about like an abusive spouse. But a very young age, I was plagued by childhood arthritis and asthma. It was so bad that I was constantly wracked with pain while wheezing for breath and I can imagine the sight of a sobbing child neigh broke my grandfather's heart.
Out came all his medical books which had been relegated to neck pillows on his bed. He started casing the joint in our neighbourhood, eyeing our neighbours' plants with an evil, thieving eye. I remember him bringing me along late one night as he stole into a neighbour's garden to pilfer a few leaves from what was obviously a plant with medical benefits. He then went home and pounded the foul concoction into a poultice which he tied to my kicking ankles, despite my plaintive protests. Those poultices were the nastiest-smelling things I had ever encountered in my young life and I was not impressed.
Until they worked. Amazingly, the pain in my ankles ebbed enough that I stopped whining for a couple of weeks. Till then, I did not give much credence to my grandfather's long-winded (you spot the resemblance now, don't you?) lectures about strange herbs and food. Suddenly, he started to gain credibility and a little sparkle of hero-worship lit within me. Grandfather was the man.
From then on, every time he mentioned the properties of some root or vegetable, I paid more attention. And he, noticing that I was the only one in the family who was not tuning him out, tried to teach me more. Unfortunately, I was 7 and by the time I was 16, I hardly saw much of him. I regret that. I regret the distance that grew us apart and I wish I had learnt more from him.
My ex-husband, not being Chinese, once ridiculed my belief in TCM, scorning that the use of animal parts was not only ignorant but animal cruelty. I will not go into an esoteric or philosophical argument here but I will say I only believe in things I have seen, heard or experienced myself. Everything else is hearsay and is taken with a pinch of salt until I can prove it myself. And although I do worry about the impact on ecology and the sheer horror of animals abuse, I am not a hypocrite. I eat meat. By that alone, I have no place to stand. I feel for them but if it's them versus me, I have obviously chosen me. I can only try to be less of an arsehole about it as much as I can. Sorry, PETA.
And oh, the disagreement with the ex-husband arose from a documentary about the use of animal horns in TCM. He was all militant and scornful when I claimed that it is cruel but it works. What??!! Yes, it works. I did not believe it either till one late night when my ex-fiance had such a high fever that no amount of medicine could bring it down. I was panicked and fearful and in desperation I went out into the neighbourhood shops to see if there was a clinic open. There wasn't but a Chinese medical hall was and the nice proprietor, seeing my tearful anxiety, prescribed some horn shavings which he told me to concoct a brew to feed my ailing man. I was very sceptical but tried it in desperation. Imagine my surprise when it worked. Within an hour, my ex-fiance's temperature was almost back to normal. It was a bloody miracle after hours of anguish and fear.
I am not smart enough to know how it works. It baffles me even today. I am grateful and thankful that it did and I have never felt the need to test if it is a fluke. Firstly, because I would not wish such torment on anyone in order to test it. And secondly, if an animal had to sacrifice its horn to save a human's life ... using it once is more than enough and I cannot disrespect and abuse that sacrifice on whims. I feel bad enough as it is.
Using herbs is much easier on the conscience but TCM is so complex that is is easy to screw up. And the screw ups can be monumental akin to the mythical "misfire and going into the dark side" conditions we often see in wuxia comics and movies. It becomes even more dangerous if you are using Western pharmaceuticals as the chemical mix can literally kill.
Since I am on so much medication, I have to be uber careful when self-administering TCM. Why am I self-administering? Because I am an idiot. Also, because not many TCM practitioners speak English on a level I can communicate successfully with. And the few I could (no offense), were a little dubious and defied my ideal of what medicine should be about ... that is to do no harm and to put the well-being of your patients before your pocket. The only other credible TCM place I have been to, which works and speaks English, is Eu Yang Sang, but they are so phenomenally expensive that I would have died of starvation within three days in order to pay for their medicine.
So, after some reading, I found a herb which apparently can alleviate inflammation and pain. The only worry is that it can also aggravate nausea. I decided to test it out carefully and in moderation.
Then I made my first boo boo. I went to a medical hall to ask for dry grass. The medical hall owner actually blinked in stupefaction before he asked, "Har???"
Right ... pulling out my best imitation of mainland Chinese twang, I said, "[In English] Do you have [in imitation mainland Chinese] gan cao?"
After he recovered from cracking up at my expense, he explained that gan cao did not mean dry grass. In fact, it is liquorice root. When he showed it to me, I eyed it dubiously. It bore no resemblance to the worm-like black strings my mother adored and I hated. It did not even smell liquorice-like.
Still, I bought a packet of it as well as some red dates. And off I went to my claypot at home to make like Macbeth's rhyming girlies.
In all my experiments, I discovered it is best to keep it simple. If you want to test whether a particular food object works for or against you, it is best to take it alone or with minimal additional ingredients to avoid survey errors. Also, you start small and check. Then you increase the dosage and check.
So, I decided to make a tea from the gan cao. As expected of most TCM herbs, it is slightly bitter so I decided the sweetened it red dates. Red dates are fairly neutral so they do not mess up or counteract most herbs and they make great sweeteners. I felt that they could be paired with the gan cao successfully but erred on the side of caution anyway.
I decided to add honey to further sweeten the tea. Also, I actually do not like the type of sweetness red dates impart, being more partial to honey.
Dating on a Bed of Honeyed Dry Grass (heh)
3-4 slices of gan cao
3 red dates
1 spoonful of honey
1- 2 litres of water
1. Rinse the herbs and dates to get rid of any icky bits
2. Place in a claypot (never, ever cook herbs in anything metal) with the water and bring to boil.
3. Lower heat to small and simmer gently to decoct. I let it simmer for a while till it's a nice golden shade.
4. Strain and add honey to taste.
It's quite a light tea and the slight bitterness of the gan cao is hardly noticeable once you add the honey. There is a fairly tart dryness to the tongue but that is quite expected when you drink home-brewed Chinese teas.
I have drank this tea before and all I felt was a feeling of general hydration and mild well-being. I did not experience any nausea which had been indicated as a possible side effect, thankfully. It may be because I had kept the dosage rather mild and I am disinclined to increase it. I do not think it is safe to drink it more than weekly at my current condition and I am still monitoring if it has any adverse or bizarre effect. Till then, it seems like a rather pleasant herbal tea which is easy to make and drink. It helps that the herbs are quite inexpensive so it makes a nice alternative to the preserved Yeo's or Pokka drinks.
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